One thing we all share as mothers, is the will of giving our kids the absolute best we can. I’m sure that every one of us wish to be the best possible mom to our children. I have never questioned my own choices as much as I have since I had my daughter. There is nothing I want more for her than to feel safe, loved and grow up with the best possible tools for building the future she wants. Every decision can be questioned in the context of, is this really the best for her? It’s easy to get overwhelmed with all this. So how do I know if I’m doing a good job? If I’m being a good mom?
I’ve been laying awake at night worrying about whether or not I am a good mom. I’ve always been a perfectionist, but it’s harder to forgive yourself for a bad choice when it’s about your child. I can drive myself crazy wondering about whether or not me walking away to take a few deep breaths during a tantrum is going to ruin her, or if it’s actually fair to her emotional needs when I choose to work instead of being with her. And last night when I was laying awake questioning myself again, I started thinking. Who gets to decide if I am a good mom or not? At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what all the books, articles and other moms says, I’m the one to decide.
So to figure out if I’m a good mom or not, I thought, I have to write down exactly
what being a good mom means to ME. Write down all the qualities a good mom has, all the things she does and doesn’t do, what she says, what she prioritizes etc. And then when I have that list, that will be my guide. A guide to go back to, and look at, when I start questioning if I am a good mom.
If on my list I have, “a good mom always tries her best, even if she fails”, then I know that I’m not a bad mom just because I fail, as long as I did my best. And if I wrote “a good mom is one that takes care of her own needs”, then I know that I’m a good mom when I choose to work, because I need it. And if I don’t see “a good mom is one that always keep a clean house” on my list, then maybe I can give myself a break when there’s dishes in the sink and my kid needs to take her nap in my arms that day.
I think doing this before labor would have been helpful in those early days that includes so many feelings and doubts about the new role as a mom. During the days when baby was screaming and I didn’t know if I was doing it right, it would have been nice to have a little reminder, that all I really needed to do was my best.