Growing up, I always dreamed of myself running a business on my own, always busy with work. Years later, while I studied photography and filled my days with photoshoots and editing, I dreamed of having my own family. I always wanted both worlds, but as I was more involved in one of them, I found myself longing more for the other.
When I got pregnant I instantly saw how my motivation for work faded away. It quickly got very hard for me to focus on anything else than the arriving baby. What started as horrible nausea, transformed into worrying about a miscarriage, then came a long phase of preparing for birth and then finally nesting and getting all the baby essentials. During this phase I kept feeling so much guilt and weakness, because I couldn’t force myself to focus on anything but the baby. I could work, don’t get me wrong, but I couldn’t find the motivation I usually have to sit night and day googling marketing strategies and visualize upcoming projects. All I could visualize was the baby laying next to us instead of in my belly.
Finally the day arrived, when Lea was born. Oh, the sweetest day of life, she was the most beautiful baby the world had ever seen. And as I expected, the first few weeks went by with our eyes only on her. I remember how I really thought, “this is all I’m meant to do, the purpose of my life is to care for this tiny human. I’ve been foolish to think that business is important enough to leave your baby, even for a second.”. After establishing this idea of my new purpose of life, I of course was joined by guilt. How could I have become that mom that gave up her dreams because of her baby? How could I turn my back on my own values and believe that a mom is only to live for her kids?
As the months kept passing by, I slowly started working more and more. And I came to a point where I realized that I needed to work, not just from a financial need, but for my own sake. As much as I love being with Lea, day and night, I need for have a purpose of my own. I need to follow my dreams to feel alive. So Andy and I made sure to find a system where I get more time to work, and I made sure to schedule the day in a way that I could get small windows of work when Lea was sleeping etc.This of course, is not easy. Being a stay at home mom and business owner at the same time takes a lot of energy. And once again, guilt found its way to get me. How can I justify the fact that my attention is split between my baby and my business? Am I sure that I am giving my baby the best possible childhood when I keep having to multitask and market my business at the same time as I’m playing with her?
Going back and forth between feeling super motivated to work, and feeling like work life isn’t for me anymore, I think I’ve come to realize that a good balance of both is the ultimate goal. I cannot be a good mama if I don’t get to keep chasing my dreams, and I’m not as good of a business owner if I don’t have enough time with what matters most, my family. I want to show my daughter that a mom is not only someone who loves you and are there for you, she is also someone who has her own dreams and goals. Because how can I tell my daughter to go chase her dreams if I’m not doing it myself? You teach by actions, not words, right?
