Let’s start with a little bit of a back story. I have been terrified of hospitals and doctors for as long as I can remember. So my pregnancy journey began with a lot of work in order to feel safe and comfortable going into birth. I started to prepare my mind before even getting pregnant, by listening and reading and watching every birth story I could get my hands on. So if my story can give anyone else the comfort I got from birth stories, I will share it all day long. Let’s take it from the beginning.
Preparing for labor.
I prepared for labor in a lot of different ways. I was reading books, having Andy read a book that resonated with me, I was doing hypno birthing techniques, listening to podcasts, getting a doula and writing very specific birth letters. I really wanted labor to start on its own, and I wanted to stay away from medication as much as I could. But as I approached 41 weeks, my doctor wanted me to get induced.
I was eating all the pineapple in the world, walking up and down hills every day, resting, getting a membrane sweep etc, but neither did anything to get labor started. I guess Lea was very comfortable in my belly. So, Monday June 17 at 10am, when I was 41 weeks, we had an appointment to get induced. Lucky for us (or maybe for everyone, hint: read next section), we got a private delivery room right away.
Getting Induced
To get things started, I had to first get an IV, this is routine in case of an emergency. Of course, with my fobia for needles, I freaked out right away. And this my friend was it, this was the worst part of my birth experience. It took about 1.5 hours to get that IV done, and once it was in, I was ready to go home (LOL).
After this IV drama, we decided on prostaglandin as the induction method to start with. This is a tampoon like thing with medicine, to soften your cervix. And I was prepared for action here, but the most action we got for the next few hours was figuring out our food options. I remember them telling us that walking could get things started, but as we were wandering the hallway I kept thinking “nothing is happening, I’m walking for nothing”. So we walked right back to the tv in our room.
Around midnight I asked for an Advil as I thought I had constipation cramps. Turns out contractions can feel like that. With the painkiller kicking in, I was able to fall asleep for about 4 hours before the contractions started to get stronger. I started my Hypnobirth tapes, and tried to relax on my own. Around 5 or 6am I woke Andy up as I was getting a little bit anxious being alone with the pain. And by 8am I started to feel that I needed some help handling the contractions.
Get the party started
The nurse shift happened around this time. The new nurse was not a great match, and after some tears on my end, we asked for a different nurse. And in the room walked this angel like nurse. I asked to get into the shower, and I stayed there until 1pm I believe. The water helped me so much, and if there would have been a bathtub I think I could have stayed there for the rest of the labor. My contractions were like 45 seconds apart, and standing up in the shower started to wear me out. As soon as one contraction ended, I tried to sit down. But the second I sat down a new one came rolling in and I had to stand up again. My legs started to actually shake. So I asked the nurse if I could try the laughing gas.
I was told that in order to get any medication I had to give my consent that there could be side effects etc. And apparently I had to get out of the shower to consent. I kept telling them that I needed the water until I got something else, I couldn’t wait in a bed without the water. But against my belief, my word does not weigh heavy against the hospital rules. So I left the shower, angry as a bull, to give my consent.
Another thing I got to learn, is, it doesn’t matter how many times you say “but they let you do that in Sweden”. That doesn’t change how they do things here. In order to get the laughing gas, I had to first try a morphine shot. I didn’t want this shot, but at this point I was willing to do anything to get to the gas.
We are now about 10 hours into strong contractions, and I was only 1 cm dilated. This took a hit on my mindset. I thought all this hard work would have gotten me further. I remember asking, and a nurse told me that in her experience, I probably had another 24 hours left before meeting my baby.
Active labor
After getting the morphine shot, I eventually got the laughing gas. And along with the laughing gas our doula arrived. I remember that things got a little bit more filled with joy here. From being in my own bubble, I started to notice people around me. Our amazing doula wanted me to get up to move around, but I wouldn’t for my life let go of the laughing gas, as it was my savior. So we did some work with a pilates ball.
I remember thinking that the laughing gas didn’t exactly make the contractions less painful, but they helped me manage it better. It helped me relax in between, and it gave me something to do during them (breathing in a mask). I believe that I also started counting during the contractions, to help me see that once I got to 10, it would ease up. I think Andy can tell you a thing or two about this phase, because I started babbling a lot in between contractions. This might have something to do with the time that has passed since this happened, but I recall this as a fun time. Although extremely physically tiring.
And as great as the laughing gas was, I had the words from the nurse in the back of my mind – that I had another 24 hours of laboring in front of me. So I started to feel week and slowly asked for an epidural.
Epidural
After going back and forth for a while, I decided to go for the epidural. I just asked to use the laughing gas while getting it, as it really helped with my fear of needles. Although, when Andy saw the needle he got a little light headed. High on laughing gas, I will admit I had no idea what he was up to though. For all I knew, he was just sitting on the floor, being offered orange juice.
Once the epidural was done, the party I had imagined myself being at quickly came to an end. I got a moment to rest for a little bit, Andy and our doula also got some rest. I want to say that maybe 2 hours passed, and then the doctor came in to check me. And to everyone’s surprise, I was at 10 cm.
Pushing Stage – AKA – forever
With the epidural, I didn’t really feel any urge to push. But it was said that the time was here, and so we got to work. I’m not going to lie, I was very anxious to start pushing as this was the phase I was most afraid of before going into labor. But, maybe in my favor, this phase took so long that by the end of it I had no fear left in my body. This was 3 hours of me getting more and more angry that nothing seemed to happen. And the fact that doctors came in every 30 mins to remind me that I only had 4 hours before I needed a c-section, got me really frustrated.
After 2 hours of nothing, things finally started to move along. And I got louder and louder yelling demands, in between pushing. I kept asking for food, but got told that I could only have ice chips. I would lie to you if I said I didn’t want to throw those ice chips at someone in that moment.
By the end, I started debating with the doctor about how much time was left. As if I could buy myself out of this work. I know that I kept describing the pain as if my hips would explode. It was nothing like the pain I had imagine beforehand. It wasn’t worse, it was just different. It was all in my hip bones. And all I wanted was for Andy to squeeze my hips as hard as he could.
At the very end, the room started to fill up with people and I remember that they brought in a tray with scissors etc. And I just started yelling “Nooo, don’t cut me, don’t cut me!!”. They all assured me that they wouldn’t cut me, but I kept yelling “then get that tray out of here!!”. Of course, this was because they all knew that she was coming out now and they were preparing for cutting the cord, but I only saw my vagina getting cut open.
After 3,5 hours of pushing, finally, Lea came out. And just like that, all the pain was gone. In a second. The doctor and nurses all said that she was a big girl, but all I could say and think was “no, she’s tiny!”. From this moment, it was all about Lea. I swear I couldn’t believe this when people told me similar stories during the pregnancy, but I did not care about anything that was going on in the room but her. The second I got to see her, my whole world turned upside down. It’s the craziest moment to try to find the right words for. It’s the only first meeting with a human that I have experienced where I knew right away that we were already each other’s forever.
At some point the placenta came out, but I have no memory of it. I only know that they showed it to us, and that it was huge. I didn’t tear anything (the thing I was most fearful of), they said I got one stitch, but it wasn’t really necessary.
The after party
As soon as the placenta was out and the stitch was in place, everyone left the room. Left was the three of us and a nurse. And I remember thinking, and now what? I could’t believe that it was all done. We got moved into our postpartum room and I got to finally eat.
My biggest worry during the recovery was that I wanted the IV out of my hand. I don’t know how much I complained about just how much it hurt. I wanted to get the IV out and I wanted to shower. Which I got to do a few hours later. But the IV stayed put. I feel like the theme of my labor was that darn IV needle. As much as it takes to birth a baby, I’m still mostly scarred from a needle in my hand.
As a whole, I had a very positive birth experience. As someone with a lot of fears, I know exactly how hard it is to believe that it’s possible to push a human out of your body without excruciating pain and have your body literally being torn apart. And to be honest, my mind still can’t quite grasp it. But while it is absolutely painful and challenging, it is a different kind of pain from what I had expected. I had always imagined a pain that was focused on skin being ripped apart etc, but this is something totally different. Never during the whole visit did I feel scared of the pain I was feeling (I was a bit fearful of the pain to come, but never the one in the moment). And when I opted for medical relief, it was not because the pain itself was unbearable, but because it was very physically tiring to handle the pain for that amount of time. And had I known before getting the epidural, that I was 2 hours from 10 cm, I’m not sure that I would have made the same decision.
3 hours after Lea was born I remember telling Andy that I could easily do that again. And that sums up my birth story pretty well. Getting into my pregnancy journey extremely afraid of labor, I came out of it ready to do it all over again. And trust me – if I can do it, anyone can do it!
